Cleaning windows

"In the end...liberation must be an inner question, a search for quality of life which cannot be arranged, but only discovered and lived"

The time is ripe for talking about our marriage (did I just mix a metaphor there?)

Up until now I've been very good at keeping it behind closed doors. And behind thee scenes of my blog and social media.

And I guess to be fair to myself, this is the status of a lot of relationships - both marital and otherwise. I almost always find myself deeply surprised when a marriage ends. And I find, irrationally, that I tend to think everyone else's marriages are healthier than ours.

And now it feels, or at least I need, to be open. I need to talk about how things really feel for me. Why now I'm not entirely sure, but its like I'm cleaning out my inner house, one window, one room, at a time. And as more light pours in I see the hidden recesses more clearly. And then these too need to be seen, evaluated, cleared up.

That's how it feels right now. Just a need to be open. An introduction to another part of me, rather than a startling revelation on the inner workings of us.

But I think, also, that turning the light on and pulling back those curtains is both vulnerable and healthy. It begins the process of detoxification and understanding. It re-starts connection and clarity.

And although I feel sad that the commitment I made to my man years ago has waned, our connectedness threadbare and practical, it feels reasonable for things to be this way after the ravages of post-natal depression.

As I clean another room in my house and pull back the curtains my wish is for greater clarity, light and understanding. For all of us.

xx

Quiet dreaming

The house is empty except for me. The garden sings only the songs of the wind and the chickens and I are all that hear it.

If I stop. And sit. All I can hear is my breath.

Its so lovely, this quiet time. Its been too long since I had some, and although its tempting to blame circumstances for that, the reality is that the choice has always been mine. I've let chances for quiet reflection go, and I've hoped for some to come my way without putting in any effort. Now, after perhaps months of waiting, I have some time to myself.

And it feels like bliss.

My thoughts have stilled long enough for me to catch them and get some of them down on paper. I feel like I'm slowly exhaling out...out......out.......until I'm completely still and peaceful. Its delicious.

And I want some more please.

I read through my newly arrived copy of Spirited by Tara Bliss and Rachel McDonald and start asking myself some big questions - that's what reflection time is for right? That's why I've been needing this quiet space - so I can stop just doing and start thinking big again - so I can review my plans for myself and see if I'm thinking large enough - to see if I'm doing the most audacious thing I can be doing.

I think about my big dreams, some of which I've had for a while and some which are newbies:
1. I'm travelling through beautiful places in Australia visiting bookshops and signing copies of my inspiring, passionate book.
2. I'm living a joyful life where I feel freedom from self-sabotage, where I feel I can do what I dream of doing. Where my joy and inspiration is overflowing and my dreams are supported.
3. My skin is clear and radiates my natural beauty and joy.
4. I awaken each morning early, full of energy and clarity and quietly tap into a higher, loving self which guides me through my day with purpose.
5. I breathe life into my visions and dreams by sharing them with others with love through my blog and talking face to face.
6. I'm hiking to the summit of Mount Kilimanjaro with great friends and in wonderful health. We have energy and a sense of accomplishment as we reach the top together.

Then I think about some other big questions - what are my gifts to the universe? And...what would happen if I treated my body with the utmost respect and kindness (from The Wellness Warrior)?
Wow, big questions indeed. And ones that will rest until my next quiet moment...as I hear the girls come in the door.

Indecision

What to write? This seems to be a time of year for indecision. For some reason (which I could analyse further but this Mama needs a break from that) I'm having trouble making big decisions at the moment. Sometimes the way forwards is clear and I feel brave and able to take a risk. And then there are times like now - fear, confusion, indecision. What if I make the wrong decision? - Ahhh, that old chestnut. This thought comes up at times like this - its nothing new - but just as fear-inducing as every other time.

So I think back (excuse this Mama for thinking out aloud today, I need to get thoughts out and down to make sense of this) to what I did last time I was in this situation. Hmmm, no good there, I'm too confused to remember. I'll make a cup of tea instead...

Yes, that's better. The grey matter is starting to warm up. I can do this.

Step one - be kind to myself. I'm the only one beating myself up about making the 'right' decision so best to let that go and focus on things to help me - a walk in the garden, a deep breath of fresh air, a warm drink, some stretching, music...

Step two - change my thought. THIS is what has helped me before (now I remember). I need to think that it doesn't matter which decision I make, either will be good. This helps to break the deadlock in my thinking and I feel myself viscerally relax...

Step three - do something else. I need to forget about making the decision for a while. I decide that I'll make it tomorrow if it hasn't already become clear to me before then. And I'll be happy with whatever it is, because in the scheme of things either decision is a good one.

Carolyn

We're always making choices

I dipped my toes into the political arena today. Its not something that I do often (I don't buy newspapers or watch the news either) and to be honest I am something of a fence-sitter. Always have been, both in voting and in life in general. You see I can often see both sides of a story very clearly and so have trouble choosing. I seek to understand everyone and give them the benefit of any doubt, rather than choose a side.
But the truth is that I'm always choosing a side, its just that I don't often do it consciously and I definitely don't like to bring attention to those choices. I like to be a fence-sitter. Its safer. But nonetheless a choice is being made, and I can either choose to let it be made for me or I can be up front about it and be honest about why I think that's better.
And so today I met briefly with the independent candidate running for our electorate of Indi, Cathy McGowan. I was impressed with her straightforward and relaxed manner. I like that she asked my name. I like that she lives on a farm not all that far from here. I like that she asked what she could do for me. And I like that she came to Mount Beauty. So, for the record and in the interests of consciously choosing a side, I am going to vote for Cathy in 10 days time. Her website is here if you're interested.
By the way, our current member has been in charge for a long time and to be honest I haven't agreed with much of her focus over that time, nor have I been impressed by her morals and ethics as a politician. It would be awesome to have an independent member of parliament as our spokesperson for a change.

The power of expectations

"Never underestimate the power of expectation"

I read this quote in the staff room of Rosie's primary school this week. And, being a teacher myself, I thought about how true this was for me back in my classrooms and how true it is for me now as a Mama. Often when I'm finding myself clashing with one or both of my daughters (or with my Ian), its a matter of increasing my expectations of them that leads to greater confidence on their part, and then more responsibility. In other words, I don't need to take on everything. They are more than capable of doing a lot of stuff themselves and its not my job to be a martyr. After that I can step back, breathe more freely again, and be a better Mama for them.

And then, as this Mama is wont to do, I began to analyse this quote a little more. What if the said expectations were unrealistic or unhelpful? What if they lead to pain and suffering?

Now this wasn't just an idle thought, no. You see I've been waning these past few days. You may have noticed a lack of blog posts, little writing and certainly little meaningful content. All I've been able to manage on some days is to look at my desk and sigh. On other days I've added a photo. Usually taken by someone else. At other times I've sat down to what I can only describe as writer's block. Then last night I just wanted to yell. At anyone. For anything. And at the bakery this morning I was teary and tired...

Clearly I need a break.

And so I've adjusted my expectations. For the next couple of weeks I'm not expecting myself to write a post for everyday and this week I'm not expecting myself to review a book or a blog. I may post a photo if I feel like it and perhaps I might write if the inspiration strikes. But for now this Mama needs some rest and some time to imagine some new directions....

Peace to you dear readers...

My vision board - the next couple of weeks are all about adding to this, imagining new directions, getting clear about the directions I'm already heading in and basically spring cleaning this Mama from Mount Beauty.

This week

It's been a dreary, grey week in Mount Beauty - quite unlike most of the weather here. And, as if in response to the grey clouds, this Mama has had a grey week too.

It often happens when family leave that the following few days feel low and flat and this week was no exception. Time for writing has been scarce, the garden is wet and muddy, I cut my thumb through my fingernail and one of our poor hens (Pippy) was taken by a fox (and another - Poppy - has a gash in her rump from said fox). To say this Mama feels bad is an understatement. It's been one of those weeks with lots of jobs and not much reprieve and I'm feeling tired and stretched thin. *Sigh*

I tell myself...
It happens sometimes doesn't it?

So I focus on how good it will feel when things swing back my way, and know that they'll be even more beautiful because of these low times. And for that I AM grateful.

Carolyn x x x

Winter Beauty

"O, wind, if Winter comes can Spring be far behind?"

- Percy Bysshe Shelley

 

 

There are many lovely, lovely things about Winter in Mount Beauty (many of which I've been delighted to write about before). Notwithstanding the close proximity of Falls Creek Ski Resort, there's the high, domed mound of Mount Bogong, Victoria's highest peak, below which Mount Beauty nestles. This peak, when covered in a blanket of Winter snow, feels like a loving protector to us as we go about our business on the cold days of this season.

Of course there are other little beauties also - the crispness of frost on the grass as we walk to school, the austere brightness of a Winter full moon at night and the daily lighting of the fire to keep us warm.

Lately we have celebrated Winter with a family night ski, a full-moon ski for Ian and plenty of snow play with friends, for soon the snow will leave us and Spring will be with us again. So for now we enjoy the shorter, colder days for what they are - a time for preparation in the garden, a time for fun in the snow and a time for those indoor crafts like knitting, baking and stitching.

 

This is the Winter beauty we love.

Organising us

Lately (I seem to say this a lot!) I've been on a bit of an organising frenzy. Well...not quite a frenzy, its more like something growing bigger, more developed and more well...organised. I haven't really been into organisation, except within a workplace, for quite a few years now. And although its good to let things go a bit, be flexible and see how things pan out, particularly with little ones in tow, its also good to balance that with an overall plan that helps us to go in the direction we dream about. There is definitely a place for reflection, dreaming and planning, this Mama thinks.

My kitchen organisation corner - the hub of our family organising

Rosie's violin chart - to help keep track of how much she's practicing with just a little enticement at the end.

Lists of the 'good things' about being at school and at home - because we all need a reminder that the glass is half-full.

Our letter and number wall - this has helped Rosie for a couple of years now

Rosie's pinboard - a place to learn about the calendar and celebrate important achievements. 

Our number chart - written by Rosie to help with numeracy

My garden board - for both inspiration and planning

My approach to organising is part-practical, part-inspirational. There's really no point planning, I think, if there's not the inspiration to direct those plans. Pictures and quotes usually send me off on an inspirational tangent - thus our quote board in the kitchen and pinboards with colourful pictures attached. I use my ipad and computer daily however I prefer my inspiration to come from more visceral sources also - I like writing my current favourite quote in chalk - old fashioned but solid and real, with chalk dust left on my fingers as evidence. And the act of pinning something on a board somehow makes it more tangible (to me at least) and therefore more likely to come to fruition (although I do like pinterest when I have time for the large number of images I can search).

Happy dreaming to you all, from my 100th post (yay!)