Loving the ugly parts

I've come to the end of my last packet of antidepressants. It's been a slow process, stepping down the dosage bit by bit, monitoring the side effects week by week.

And here I am, 10 days after the last dose of medication, feeling proud of myself but also experiencing dizziness each afternoon and general tiredness.

I thought I would feel elated, like I'd reached a milestone. But I've been feeling angry, teary, and a little out of control too.

I've found myself back into negative thought-habits, berating myself for being angry, scared that maybe now wasn't the right time to come off the meds, and ultimately confused about how to tackle all this emotion.

For its a time of transition to be sure. We're beginning homeschooling, I'm now dealing with the full range of my emotions (hidden partly by the medication for the past 18 months) and finishing up my coffee-making role at the the Mount Beauty Bakery.

One-by-one my 'identities' are dropping away - no longer a traditional teacher, no longer a 'normal' parent, no longer a victim of depression.

It feels right for this to be happening but my ego doesn't like it and I'm scared of what may come. I can't 'see' it. I can sense of growing inside of me (no, I'm not pregnant), inside my heart mostly. Like there's an explosion of love and gratitude and success coming up. But my ego argues, insistently sometimes, that I'm crazy - and that this is all just dreamy nonsense.

So here I am, sitting by a river in still on a hot Summer's morning... feeling a kind of nothingness...a sign of an ego that's not being listened to anymore. A sign of a soul being heard.

So dramatic.

Yet so.....


Nice. xx

Unwrapping my inner child

Christmas is a time for me when family expectations, or at least my perception of the expectations, can trump the joy and excitement I see in my girls faces. 

This year I worked on being present (ha, ha), focused on letting tension go and on unwrapping my inner child, if only for a few hours.

My inner child plays better, she accepts more and she's more able to let others do things for her.

This has been my Christmas - and I DO feel more relaxed, despite my initial expectations.

How has your Christmas been dear Mamas?

X x

Embracing Vulnerability

"Practice outrageous acts of love"        - Caroline Myss


I've stepped up my 'self love' efforts a notch since I last wrote. I've been working on loving myself outrageously so that I may shine brightly and pass that light onto others that I love too.

The first thing I've done, and you may have noticed this from the previous post, is begun to wean myself off my anti-depressant medication.

Deep breath Mama....

I must admit that I'm feeling vulnerable and outside my comfort zone - I'm worried I may have made a mistake, that I'll yell or scream again, that I'll go back to sleepless exhaustion and a deep, deep hole in my mind..... But I'm also optimistic that its the right time to 'give it a try' because there's never going to be a great time to do this. Its always going to be a risk....because, really, life is a risk. And if we're not risking then we're not really living.

"Life is like riding a bicycle, in order to keep your balance you must keep moving"

 My second outrageous act of self love has been to begin meditating in a more consistent way. Of course I've tried this before without much success (and to be honest without much guidance) but this time it feels different. I get it now. I've been reading more online and in books - making connections and giving things a go.

And its been working most of the time.

I can cocoon myself in love from my heart with a 10 minute meditation on our rug or in the backyard.

I can go for a run in the bush and focus on my breath and feel energised (and my back and legs don't hurt as much)

I've started swimming again, and doing yoga more regularly....

Clearly meditation is good for me.


"Fears point to where we're supposed to go next" - Tara Bliss


And my third act of self-love has been to make contact with a mentor for some guidance....

Now this isn't something I do lightly - commitment, especially where money is involved, is tricky for me and takes some courage. I also don't ask for help very well. Somehow my pleas become caught in my throat, my mind comes crashing in and I get stuck in a hole again. Its happened lots and lots of times (and lots and lots more) and somehow seems related to my depression too. And so for some guidance in matters both spiritual and practical I chose the amazing Tara Bliss who's blog, Such Different Skies, I read regularly with enthusiasm.

I love Tara's curiosity, her ability to look deeply into herself and honestly pass on what she finds there. And I love the way she embraces vulnerability - something I have been working on myself. And finally I respect her steadfast commitment to a spiritually rewarding, yet very modern life.

 

Artwork from my 'Self Love Prayer Flags' by the lovely Lori Portka

Sweet wishes to you in this holiday season dear readers, may you embrace your vulnerability during this busy time.

Carolyn x x

a cleansing sort of rain

I feel that I have little to write today, but of course that's not true. My brain is in a bit of a fog, I'm tired and I've decided to quit sugar again - starting today.

This feels like a time for change - this Springtime with its opening flowers and lengthening days. Its a time for growth, which I see manifested all around me, but I have been reluctant to accept in myself.

Today its raining - a light, ongoing patter of Spring rain that is sprinkling the new beetroot seedlings I planted out yesterday and watering in the lemonade tree I moved last week.

And it seems to match my thoughts, this rain, and I let go of some of the things I've been holding onto so tightly these last few weeks. Its a cleansing sort of rain that helps to bring me down to earth.

It seems funny to me that my depression leaves me unanchored and up in the air with confusion. And that what works for me is getting down lower - getting down to earth and grounded. This is what the rain is doing for this Mama today.

You see lately I've been struggling with the idea of having depression in an ongoing way, rather than just post-natally. I don't want to accept that there's something wrong with me and that I might need to stay taking anti-depressants for a long time, possibly until the end of my life. Don't get me wrong here folks, the jury is still out on how long I may need them, but the possibility remains and that's enough to disturb this tired Mama.

Because, to be honest, I've always harboured judgements against those who take prescription medication long-term. Those sort of judgements that sneek into conscious thinking every now and again, only to be pushed silently aside and hopefully forgotten because they're not polite and don't fit my clean image of myself. I've taken the moral high-ground and assumed that I was a better person because I didn't need to take anything. As if I was somehow more natural - more organic and real than them.

I'm not sad about this, nor am I punishing myself. Its simply a fact I acknowledge - that my perspective has shifted - has had to shift in order to accept my situation and choices.

For its in accepting others, isn't it, that we can then accept ourselves?

Learning together

Learning is such a collaborative process.

As a teacher this is something I saw all the time and I worked hard to encourage collaboration, discussion and joint learning. It was one of my main agendas then, and remains very high on my list of priorities now as a parent.

Life, to me, is about joyful learning and this happens so often with someone beside us to share that joy.

From playing games together to reading side-by-side and walking hand-in-hand, learning together is so beautiful to see in our children and it fills this Mama's heart with joy to see it on display so often around this home of ours.

Enjoy, dear readers....

Winter Beauty

"O, wind, if Winter comes can Spring be far behind?"

- Percy Bysshe Shelley

 

 

There are many lovely, lovely things about Winter in Mount Beauty (many of which I've been delighted to write about before). Notwithstanding the close proximity of Falls Creek Ski Resort, there's the high, domed mound of Mount Bogong, Victoria's highest peak, below which Mount Beauty nestles. This peak, when covered in a blanket of Winter snow, feels like a loving protector to us as we go about our business on the cold days of this season.

Of course there are other little beauties also - the crispness of frost on the grass as we walk to school, the austere brightness of a Winter full moon at night and the daily lighting of the fire to keep us warm.

Lately we have celebrated Winter with a family night ski, a full-moon ski for Ian and plenty of snow play with friends, for soon the snow will leave us and Spring will be with us again. So for now we enjoy the shorter, colder days for what they are - a time for preparation in the garden, a time for fun in the snow and a time for those indoor crafts like knitting, baking and stitching.

 

This is the Winter beauty we love.

Friday book review: Simplicity Parenting

"If a child has been able in his play to give up his whole living being to the world around him, he will be able, in the serious tasks of later life, to devote himself with confidence to the service of the world"

- Rudolf Steiner

Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kidsby Kim John Payne is one of my favourite go-to books as a Mama.
So many times I've found myself musing over the complexity that can creep into our lives when I reach for this book and find an answer in its pages.
Yes, I love books, I'll be up front here. And I do have a lot of them dear readers (see my little treasures post to read about the $1000 I spent on them just last year!). But that doesn't mean I have just any books, in fact the books that I have are thoughtfully chosen and very special to this Mama.
This is another one of those extra special ones because it says things that guide me as a mother:

"Too many scheduled activities may limit a child's ability to motivate and direct themselves" (p.138)

"Rhythm and ritual are what we aim for; predictability may be what we achieve" (p.98)

"Children need experience, not entertainment, in play" (p. 80)

Ahhh...there is such common sense and beauty in this book. Sometimes I snuggle up with it for some late night peace of mind and sometimes I keep it on my bookstand as I type and take a dip into its wisdom each time I sit down. Either way its staying on my shelves and in the life of our family.

Playful learning spaces

It is paradoxical that many educators and parents still differentiate between a time for learning and a time for play without seeing the vital connection between them. - Leo F. Buscaglia

Oh, I do so love play. I love that playful feeling you get when you're learning and having fun at the same time. I see it so often, too, in our girls. They play with things, they learn more about them, and in the process they learn just a bit more about themselves.
So, since this Mama is also an educator at heart, we have a houseful of little nooks and crannies designed to encourage just this kind of playful learning, out-of-the-box thoughts and lateral thinking.
These aren't detailed, specific 'learning stations' like you might have in a classroom - more like open-ended play corners that the girls can pick and choose from, mix up together, drag apart - whatever takes their fancy whenever we're at home. Of course, these spaces also move from time to time and change shape or focus to suit our needs and keep up daily inspiration. But there's always a reading corner (such as important part of our family's life), a cleared table for creating on (our 'blank slate'), soft floor cushions and couches for reflective moments (or beds, or cubby house walls....), dolls and bears for imaginary play, a dress-up box and lately an Australian geography corner in preparation for our all-Australia travels next year.
I've written about the importance of play before because its just such a cornerstone of our approach to parenting and life. This mama very strongly believes that a playful family is a healthy family.

Good day to you all!

The overall effect (a.k.a. lowering my expectations)

Oh, this tears at the heart of this Mama. For so long I've strived to be everything, aimed too high and exhausted myself in the process. I think what I have needed is to lower my expectations. But to be honest folks, I'm scared. In fact I'm filled with dread and anxiety at the thought of even discussing this.
I think, and this is delving deeply, that lowering my expectations is synonymous with dying to me. That perfectionistic, high-achieving part of myself is screaming out No! Let me live. Let me drive your life.
But I don't want that to drive my life anymore. At the very least its unhealthy for me, and at the very best it could change my life. Though, like sugar, I recognise that aiming high is not in itself a bad thing. Its just that it gets out of control for me and I lose perspective (and then gain anxiety, depression etc...).
What I want is to lower many of my expectations, but not all. Don't get me wrong here - I don't wan to aim low or aim for nothing (heaven forbid). But I do want to let down those expectations that I have of myself and others that are unrealistic and do more harm than good. (Of course what is realistic to one can be unrealistic to another but that's for another post methinks).
For example; it would do this Mama some good to lower her expectations about how many children she 'should' have ('should' is definitely worth another post). Somewhere in my head I think that more children equals better parenting, or perhaps more worthwhile parenting. Two children was definitely not on the agenda. And yet now I find myself very happy with my two little cherubs, but still beat myself up inside about not having more. And here's the crux of it: sometimes this Mama thinks she's not good enough because she's 'only had two children'.
Clearly this is not a helpful thought, but it continues to pop up and reinforces an expectation that's unrealistically high.
I could think (and I am working on this one, its BIG) that two children are just fine and its the love I give that's important. I could also imagine that I do have more children already (my own inner child, Ian's inner child, other people's children we see and play with, my niece and nephew...). Everyone's a child really, adults just have other layers of maturity too.
Its just that lowering this expectation (and others like it) requires quite a leap of faith, quite a letting go that fills me with dread and fear. Like a massive mountain I need to scale.
So I tell myself its the overall effect that's important. Its not the detail (which I get bogged down in) and it doesn't need to be perfect or exactly what I imagined (because I have a strong imagination). Saying this to myself helps to curb my perfectionism by focusing on the big picture, helping me to forgive myself for mistakes and encouraging me to take a deep breathe and stop doing - and then I can better appreciate what I've done.
Its such an important thought for me - and perhaps, dear readers, if perfectionism and anxiety is a problem for you it might help too. Its the overall effect you see....

Family at home

This week we took Rosie out of school for a day to spend with family at home. In our life at the moment there aren't many days when all four of us have a whole day together. Either Ian is working, or I'm working, or there is a race or some training session that is important for Ian to participate in. Thursday happened to be a day when neither of us was required at work and training was short and early - a perfect day for Rosie to spend with us.
We also believe that a day spend in nature, with family, leads to greater holistic learning than a day spent as school. That's not to say that we don't want her at school at all. There are definite positives for her being there too. Its just that our balance lies in a bit of both.
So we began our day with a trip to the mountain bike park across the road where we set up our play tepee (sown by yours truly), listened to the Kookaburras laughing at us, watched kangaroos and Crimson Rosellas through our binoculars and did some painting. It was overcast and cool, but the girls enjoyed exploring the grass, hills, forest and mud. One great thing about living in Mount Beauty is the proximity of bushland to our home - with only a 5 minute walk we were in the bush, with lovely views, wild native animals and flora.
After a play back at home, we had lunch, Rosie practiced her violin and the words she's working on at school at the moment, then we spent the afternoon in the garden pruning and fertilising fruit trees and veggies and improving the chicken pen (for our adventurous chooks). Sometimes the girls helped, sometimes they played in the sandpit or in Rosie's 'outdoor circus' that she's constructed, or in the fairy garden. It was free, unstructured time in the garden - so worthwhile to the development of creativity and identity.

Our fantastic, portable paint set

Painting in nature - such a great way to develop observation skills and an appreciation of nature

Bethany joined in too

Watching a flock of Crimson Rosellas - Rosie's skill with the binoculars is improving

Bethany loves to hug trees at the moment

Heath (Epacris) growing in the Mountain Bike Park

A flock of Sulphur crested Cockatoos feeding in the leaves

Homemade

Homemade has been on the agenda in an increasing way lately for us. Our sourdough loaves continue (and continue to improve methinks), the homemade butter still delights us and our visitors and now we've added homemade pasta to our repertoire.

Ian's spaghetti creations

My oh my, I had never really eaten pasta before Ian's homemade spaghetti noodles. I mean, I'd eaten that stuff that comes in packets, dried from the supermarket of course. But fresh, soft, long pasta made from flour and Henny Penny's eggs. *Mmmmm*.

The colour, texture and taste was truly wonderful - and the girls had seconds. Best of all though? Ian put his love and effort proudly into their creation. Seriously. Awesome. Any man who makes me pasta from scratch gets big ticks in my book.

Ian hard at work

So all this homemade, real food has got this mama thinking - what's so special about homemade? I mean, its trendy (think recycling, upcycling, repurposing etc...) and all that, but that's never been something to drive this mama.

What is it that's driving me and us on this homemade journey?

Firstly its all about connectedness and being more down to earth. My post-natal depression came as a surprise, but looking back I can see the lesson in the challenge - I've been too far from the ground for too long. I've been unanchored and floating. I thought that was the freedom I wanted (and perhaps for a while it was). From trying to be too much to trying to be like others to trying to do everything, I was exhausted even before we brought Rosie into the world. Handmaking things for us brings me closer to who I am and what I have right now.

Homemade is also about valuing the traditions of old, about connecting (again) with our family's past - Nan and Mum both knit, sew and fix cloth. They cook from scratch. They grow fruit and veggies. Pa, who is no longer with us in person, was the first one to be in the garden, growing and sowing, weeding and feeding. This is our heritage and its one that I want to carry on for myself and our little family.

Homemade is also about valuing our individuality. With homemade food, clothes, toys etc... we move away from consumerism, mass marketing and the treadmill urging us to have the same as everyone else. We are all individuals and our homemade approach helps to value and develop our uniqueness.

Focussing on a handmade home also brings balance to this world of technological wizardry and ever-increasing computing speed. Yes, this mama has an iphone, an ipad and blog that she loves, but she doesn't like the feeling of trying to keep up with something new everyday (every hour?). That speed leaves me feeling even more unanchored and increases my anxiety. Our girls deserve a chance to choose what works for them too. In our house we remain relatively unplugged from this world. Making things by hand, knowing where they came from and how they were put together balances the great unknowns of our technology and the system we live in.

This is why I value homemade for our little family of four learners. Most of the time though I don't think about these reasons. I just know that it feels good. That I feel calm and in control when I use my hands as much as my head to make something for us.

Wishing you, dear readers, a lovely, lovely day.

How does your garden grow?

Our Winter gardening continues with the planting of new asparagus crowns and two new rhubarb crowns. Also in are a lemonade tree, an Emperor mandarine and we've transplanted some strawberry plants to create a larger area of these lovely delicacies. We are of the firm opinion that you can never have too many strawberries! So these newbies were planted with love and are settling into their beds for the rest of the Winter, ready to wake up and grow once Spring arrives.

 Bethany watering our newly transplanted strawberry plants

Rosie and I made a study of our edible plants and created together some plant markers for the garden. I loved nurturing Rosie's creativity in this way.

Rosie is drawing her pictures of edible plants for the plant markers we put in the garden

The delightful camomile marker

Rosie in the winter garden

I'm also seeing a wonderful love of animals growing within our girls. They are really becoming more friendly and more comfortable with them as each day passes and its a joy for me to see this development of their identities.

The beautiful Miss Bethany with snowy the guinea pig

Rosie and Poppy, our least adventurous chicken, share a cuddle

This week's harvest includes lemons, oranges, parsley and red hot pokers (see photo) - a wonderful way to warm a Winter garden.

And for me? Well, a new pair of gumboots (yes they actually fit my long feet) are just the thing I needed for getting in with the chickens, digging in new plants and walking around in the wet grass. Now for some more gardening tomorrow before lots of rain arrives. Wish me luck...

My lovely new gumboots for working in the garden

Our Red Hot Pokers (Kniphofia) create a lovely, warm boundary to our garden

Lemons growing well in the front garden