a cleansing sort of rain

I feel that I have little to write today, but of course that's not true. My brain is in a bit of a fog, I'm tired and I've decided to quit sugar again - starting today.

This feels like a time for change - this Springtime with its opening flowers and lengthening days. Its a time for growth, which I see manifested all around me, but I have been reluctant to accept in myself.

Today its raining - a light, ongoing patter of Spring rain that is sprinkling the new beetroot seedlings I planted out yesterday and watering in the lemonade tree I moved last week.

And it seems to match my thoughts, this rain, and I let go of some of the things I've been holding onto so tightly these last few weeks. Its a cleansing sort of rain that helps to bring me down to earth.

It seems funny to me that my depression leaves me unanchored and up in the air with confusion. And that what works for me is getting down lower - getting down to earth and grounded. This is what the rain is doing for this Mama today.

You see lately I've been struggling with the idea of having depression in an ongoing way, rather than just post-natally. I don't want to accept that there's something wrong with me and that I might need to stay taking anti-depressants for a long time, possibly until the end of my life. Don't get me wrong here folks, the jury is still out on how long I may need them, but the possibility remains and that's enough to disturb this tired Mama.

Because, to be honest, I've always harboured judgements against those who take prescription medication long-term. Those sort of judgements that sneek into conscious thinking every now and again, only to be pushed silently aside and hopefully forgotten because they're not polite and don't fit my clean image of myself. I've taken the moral high-ground and assumed that I was a better person because I didn't need to take anything. As if I was somehow more natural - more organic and real than them.

I'm not sad about this, nor am I punishing myself. Its simply a fact I acknowledge - that my perspective has shifted - has had to shift in order to accept my situation and choices.

For its in accepting others, isn't it, that we can then accept ourselves?