Loving the ugly parts

I've come to the end of my last packet of antidepressants. It's been a slow process, stepping down the dosage bit by bit, monitoring the side effects week by week.

And here I am, 10 days after the last dose of medication, feeling proud of myself but also experiencing dizziness each afternoon and general tiredness.

I thought I would feel elated, like I'd reached a milestone. But I've been feeling angry, teary, and a little out of control too.

I've found myself back into negative thought-habits, berating myself for being angry, scared that maybe now wasn't the right time to come off the meds, and ultimately confused about how to tackle all this emotion.

For its a time of transition to be sure. We're beginning homeschooling, I'm now dealing with the full range of my emotions (hidden partly by the medication for the past 18 months) and finishing up my coffee-making role at the the Mount Beauty Bakery.

One-by-one my 'identities' are dropping away - no longer a traditional teacher, no longer a 'normal' parent, no longer a victim of depression.

It feels right for this to be happening but my ego doesn't like it and I'm scared of what may come. I can't 'see' it. I can sense of growing inside of me (no, I'm not pregnant), inside my heart mostly. Like there's an explosion of love and gratitude and success coming up. But my ego argues, insistently sometimes, that I'm crazy - and that this is all just dreamy nonsense.

So here I am, sitting by a river in still on a hot Summer's morning... feeling a kind of nothingness...a sign of an ego that's not being listened to anymore. A sign of a soul being heard.

So dramatic.

Yet so.....


Nice. xx

Poetry in motion

Depression has been a part of my life.

 I've written about this quite a bit already, I know, but I feel like my relationship to my depression is changing over time and needs to be examined, thought about, talked about. Made public, rather than kept silent.

I feel, for the first time really, that I can say I'm past it now. More and more I can look back upon the experiences with perspective. No longer caught in the mire, it looks more beautiful from the outside.

Poetic though my words may be, what is life without poetry? Poetry brings beauty to ordinary words. Poetry lifts us to a higher way of thinking. It brings layers of meaning and paints a picture full of feeling. 

In the midst of depression my poetry, words for my mind only, was dark, desperate and increasingly difficult to create. At my lowest I felt like all the poetry was gone from my life.

That's when I knew I needed to break-free from what I'd been holding on to. That's when I let go, completely terrified and anguished, and took the plunge to put myself on antidepressants. It felt like the end of the life that I knew and was akin to childbirth for me. 

And it was the end of the life I knew.

But, you know what? The new life that emerged was better. I could not have foreseen it. I had to trust, or really just be desperate enough to be forced to trust.

Life has been so much better since that turning point. The poetry has returned, life has colour. 

Finally I'm ready to connect and create.

I'm so grateful for my depression now. It wasn't what I wanted or expected, but it's what I needed.

Wishing you the courage to face your deepest fears, to know that you're not the only one.

Carolyn x x

Welcoming awe-full experiences

"Life has ceased to be sacred or holy for so many people...we need awe in our lives" - Caroline Myss

One of the things that was really missing when I was feeling the full force of my post natal depression was awe. And, truth be told, awe isn't something I experience enough these days either. I think I may I also be so bold as to suggest that everyone could so with more awe, more of the sacred in our lives.

Life didn't feel sacred with depression. It felt frozen. Colourless. Lonely. And I would like to say that it felt sad- but my emotions were too frozen to feel even that. At its best it was a limited existence. At it worst a living death. 

Sounds pretty awful, I know, to read and write these words. But one of the bigger difficulties of depression is the veil of silence that surrounds it - both in the media and in polite conversation, but more importantly in our own heads - in what we say to ourselves and out loud...in what we feel is acceptable.

I refuse to pander to that anymore. My depression is out and I make no apologies for telling it how it is - both to myself and others. This, I believe, can only be helpful to others who are suffering.

And so the more I think about it, the more I recognize that depression is not a just deep sadness, not just a need for deeeep-reeessssttt. It's an absence of feeling. An inability to move anywhere. Forget trying to feel better- I couldn't even make myself feel worse. I couldn't really feel anything except nothingness.

What I needed, and what ultimately came when I stopped resisting, was an awe-full experience. Hunky husband gave me an ugly ultimatum, I started thinking about whether it might be better to end it all.... It was awful.

And awe-full.

It switched me backed on. It jump-started me back to tears and terrible sadness. I even think a part of me died (that part that was holding on to a natural, no-chemical lifestyle). But it worked.

I went to the doctor, I got the drugs.....and the rest as they say....got better. Life got better. Awe happened more often.

And now? 

Well, now I feel I can give again. 

And so I give to you, Mamas. Whether you're suffering or not. Whether your children are young or old. Whether you have depression or not. 

I'm here for you with my story and I'd like to hear yours. Please post below (anonymously if you wish) your story and share it with the world. Depression is a secret no longer.

X x

"To give beyond reason, to care beyond hope, to love without limit; to reach, stretch, and dream, in spite of your fears. These are the hallmarks of divinity - traits of the immortal - your badges of honor." - Caroline Myss

Facing our fears

Pushing through our fears brings us face to face with our raw, human vulnerability. Its something that's beyond the definition of words, beyond our ability to reason. And yet fears are faced all the time, by all of us.

As a Mama with post-natal depression I feel like I've been facing lots of fears over the last few years and although I still feel panic, and it still feels uncomfortable, I think I've become better at dealing with those feelings.

Some 'mantras' I've been saying to myself lately have really hit the spot for me, and I thought I'd share them with you too, dear reader. So when fear takes hold, hold on, and repeat these to yourself, perhaps they may help you too:

"feel the fear, and do it anyway"

 

"be the change you want to see"

 

"start before you're ready"

I LOVE these, and they certainly help me to distinguish fear from love and passion when I'm faced with a trickly decision or situation.

What's helping me the most at the moment, as I come off anti-depressants after 18 months, is focussing on my panic/fear/anxiety/whatever in a visceral way - how do these feel physically to me?
- does my body temperature rise?
-does my heart beat faster?
-do I feel tension in my body? Where?
-do I feel fluttery or shaky anywhere?
I focus as specifically as I can on how it feels in my body (not in my emotions) and also how long I feel like that for. Invariably I'm surprised by how short these episodes are and how effective this technique is for 'naming' the fear/anxiety etc...

It helps me to separate from them and I can then move on. I can then get on with acting on my intuition, taking the risks it suggests and living more fully.

May this post help you too, dear Mamas.

Carolyn x x x

Eating for expression

Lately I've been an a quest to heal my depression through healthy eating.

And true to this Mama, that means I've done a lot of reading, bought some more books for my collection and connected with a few more blogs.

Overall it's been an inspiring time AND I'm feeling like I have more energy. 

Is it healing my depression? Well, it's really too early to tell...but any change for the better is worth chasing right? And, as a good friend of mine recently, gently reminded me, sometimes you just need to put one foot in front of the other and get through tough stages, rather than chasing dreams and denying the present.

Here are a few of the goodies I've discovered for myself that are helpful:

- Superfoods - I was never really sure what these were before but I got my hands on a copy of David Wolfe's book Superfoods: The Food and Medicine of the Future from Bright Organics (my new favourite shop) and found myself reading from cover to cover. And now, from his top ten Superfoods list I'm including bee pollen, Maca powder, spirulina powder, raw cacao and goji berries in my diet. 

- new recipes - raw cacao homemade chocolate bark, banana and Maca smoothies, life-changing bread, goji berry tea

- cod liver oil - sounds disgusting but its in capsules and the vitamin A and D are just what my liver needs.

- as much food from my garden as possible - freshly laid eggs, strawberries, silver beet, snow peas and leeks (at the moment).

It's a journey, and this Mama would love to hear how others are tackling their depression and healing.

Raw cacao chocolate bark via Eat Drink Paleo

Life-changing bread via My New Roots

Goji berry tea

Fresh strawberries from our garden.

 

The more I focus on these super healthy foods, the more I feel I can express myself - through writing, playing the flute, as a Mama...

 

And that's what I'm looking for.

Voices of love and fear

Its been a while since I've graced this blog with my presence, though it hasn't been far from my mind in all that time. I could say that as a Mama I've been very busy, which would be true, or I could say that there are a lot of things up in the air, which is also true, and that this Mama has been a little lost in it all.
Truth be told I've been feeling like something is changing, something not-quite-tangible and not-too-sure but exciting nonetheless. And I just haven't felt that I've had anything to write or anything that I've needed to 'nut out' in order to make sense of things. I've been existing in a kind of shell where my antidepressants protect me from undue anxiety and low moods, but where they perhaps also prevent me from really feeling passion for things as well.
So life has been okay - not fantastic or inspiring and not really bad or too low either. Just a kind of limbo.
But, in that time, there has also been a growing sense of unease - why am I not writing? Why am I not wanting to make decisions? What is it that I want to do? And, ultimately, why do I have depression? For this mama is sure that everything happens for awesome reasons. And I feel like this awesome reason is starting to make itself known.

And that's really awesome.

And a little scary too.

You see, what this Mama has wanted for a few years now is to homeschool her children. To travelschool. To gardenschool. To adventureschool. To worldschool. Its such a big dream - so amazing and yet so very scary.

What if I get it wrong? What if they hate me for it later? What will other parents say? What will Rosie's school say? What judgements will be passed upon our family for my choice?

The list of fears in this Mama's head is very long.

And yet in spite of these my heart remains firm. This passion has not diminished in several years and the growing of my girls. When I look into my heart it swells with gratitude for the opportunities I already have to provide education, learning and love for them. I find myself drawn to other's homeschooling stories. I read blogs about homeschooling and travelschooling families (Soulemama, Ben Hewitt, Soultravelers3). And when I look at my bookshelves and the pile of reading material next to my bed, I see a collection of ideas about what I could do with my girls at home.

The evidence is all there.

And yet still I waver. Those voices of fear are strong and prevalent. And somehow related to my depression too. Surely, this mama thinks, depression is the body's reaction to not following your passions. It's a stillness of emotions - a nothingness in which passion is lost, given up on perhaps, and a sadness pervades. And so the antidote to this must be re-igniting that passion, listening once again to the messages the heart gives and, with help and support and time, following where those messages lead, so that true healing can begin.

And so that depression can turn to expression.

a cleansing sort of rain

I feel that I have little to write today, but of course that's not true. My brain is in a bit of a fog, I'm tired and I've decided to quit sugar again - starting today.

This feels like a time for change - this Springtime with its opening flowers and lengthening days. Its a time for growth, which I see manifested all around me, but I have been reluctant to accept in myself.

Today its raining - a light, ongoing patter of Spring rain that is sprinkling the new beetroot seedlings I planted out yesterday and watering in the lemonade tree I moved last week.

And it seems to match my thoughts, this rain, and I let go of some of the things I've been holding onto so tightly these last few weeks. Its a cleansing sort of rain that helps to bring me down to earth.

It seems funny to me that my depression leaves me unanchored and up in the air with confusion. And that what works for me is getting down lower - getting down to earth and grounded. This is what the rain is doing for this Mama today.

You see lately I've been struggling with the idea of having depression in an ongoing way, rather than just post-natally. I don't want to accept that there's something wrong with me and that I might need to stay taking anti-depressants for a long time, possibly until the end of my life. Don't get me wrong here folks, the jury is still out on how long I may need them, but the possibility remains and that's enough to disturb this tired Mama.

Because, to be honest, I've always harboured judgements against those who take prescription medication long-term. Those sort of judgements that sneek into conscious thinking every now and again, only to be pushed silently aside and hopefully forgotten because they're not polite and don't fit my clean image of myself. I've taken the moral high-ground and assumed that I was a better person because I didn't need to take anything. As if I was somehow more natural - more organic and real than them.

I'm not sad about this, nor am I punishing myself. Its simply a fact I acknowledge - that my perspective has shifted - has had to shift in order to accept my situation and choices.

For its in accepting others, isn't it, that we can then accept ourselves?