I've written about this quite a bit already, I know, but I feel like my relationship to my depression is changing over time and needs to be examined, thought about, talked about. Made public, rather than kept silent.
I feel, for the first time really, that I can say I'm past it now. More and more I can look back upon the experiences with perspective. No longer caught in the mire, it looks more beautiful from the outside.
Poetic though my words may be, what is life without poetry? Poetry brings beauty to ordinary words. Poetry lifts us to a higher way of thinking. It brings layers of meaning and paints a picture full of feeling.
In the midst of depression my poetry, words for my mind only, was dark, desperate and increasingly difficult to create. At my lowest I felt like all the poetry was gone from my life.
That's when I knew I needed to break-free from what I'd been holding on to. That's when I let go, completely terrified and anguished, and took the plunge to put myself on antidepressants. It felt like the end of the life that I knew and was akin to childbirth for me.
And it was the end of the life I knew.
But, you know what? The new life that emerged was better. I could not have foreseen it. I had to trust, or really just be desperate enough to be forced to trust.
Life has been so much better since that turning point. The poetry has returned, life has colour.
Finally I'm ready to connect and create.
I'm so grateful for my depression now. It wasn't what I wanted or expected, but it's what I needed.
Wishing you the courage to face your deepest fears, to know that you're not the only one.
Carolyn x x
1 comment:
Love this post! Can't wait to talk to you about it in person :-)
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