Part of me is terrified - my mind often filled with ceaseless negative chatter (what the f@&k are you doing Carolyn? You were the most enthusiastic teacher at your school. You lectured in education. You can't possibly keep this up. What if you damage Rosie in some way? What about her friends? What about...).
And part of me, a deeper soul-filled part, feels ease and peace. Feels like things have fallen into place. And I am, quite frankly, relieved that I don't need to get psyched-up to get Rosie to school that first week back, or make lunch boxes, or tick-off readers, remember to return her library books, remember that she's mountain biking straight after school and that we need to rush....
I feel weird, it's true. And very, very vulnerable.
But as I've written before, I think these are good signs. They're signs that I'm listening to that important inner voice that gently, but insistently, says this is what you need. And indeed, this is all I need to say to myself to feel calm descend and the chatter quieten. For vulnerability, I'm coming to realise, is how it feels when my soul is in charge. There's no certainty, or set schedule, there's no evidence or overt logic - that's where my ego excels. No, a soul-led life feels softer, more rounded and, yes, more open and vulnerable.
This is where I go now - I listen rather than plan. I ask for guidance rather than analyse. I love rather than just live.
And I'm happy.
Wishing you all vulnerable, soul-led days,
Carolyn x x
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