Living outside the box

That's what I'm doing at the moment. As you know I've taken myself and my family out of our house, out of our town and out of our state to travel for 100 days around Australia. But this is more than just a holiday for me, more than lovely family time together - it's an opportunity to stretch myself beyond my comfort zones and really live outside of the box.

This Easter weekend we're driving 2700km across the vast Nullabor Plain from Adelaide to Perth. That thought alone and the unknowing of what awaits me on this trip is enough to bring out my vulnerability. However last night I then locked our keys in the car after a misunderstanding with my darling partner while we were on a short stop in a small town north of Adelaide. My vulnerability grew stronger.

We worked for two hours on the car, the keys in sight on the box of homeschooling books in the back seat, trying to press the button to open the doors with a piece of fencing wire inserted down into the window seal. The girls played in the dirt in front of a house as the afternoon turned into evening. Bethany soiled her nappy. The wipes and clean nappies were in the car. Then it was completely dark and I was feeling desperation start to rise.

So I turned it around...

I imagined everything working out. I imagined us getting into the car, relieved that it had worked out. I imagined us continuing our drive north and happily setting up camp in the dark. I imagined the girls going to sleep peacefully in the car as we drove. Still the car was locked, but the imagining helped. I embraced that old vulnerability of mine and transformed it using my imagination into a possible future - like consciously creating what I wanted at the time.

Not long afterwards a tow truck pulled up next to Ian, who was still trying to press the buttons with the wire, and after a quick conversation came back with his van full of tools. In 10 minutes our car was beautifully open and and that future I imagined started to manifest. It was a lovely moment as I realised this.

Then, after trying to pay the kind mechanic, I found out that he'd come as a favour to his friend - whose house we were outside and we'd spoken to briefly a couple of hours earlier. It was both of these kind strangers who helped turn our evening from disaster to a consciously created wonder and I left feeling that my vulnerability had transformed into awe.

But the greatest thing about it all?

Both vulnerability and awe felt the same - both raw, both big, both plundering the depths of my heart.

It was a day of whole-of-heart living - outside the box and outside of my comfort zone. And I'll be back for more of this out of the box living you know, 'cause it cleans me out, mucks out those smaller emotions and let's me feel perspective. And that's precious.

When did you last have a day of living outside the box Mamas?

Raw, honest, open, vulnerable faith

Lately I've become more aware of the problems of those around me. It as if, in releasing my own true self to the online world (in 'letting it all out there') I've somehow become more open to hearing others' pain.

And I've come to feel that helping someone in need requires faith. It calls for a trust that, with loving intentions, the right words and gestures will flow and that I might be able to help them.

Being open and honest about my own feelings requires a level of faith too. Faith that releasing this information, honestly and with integrity, will lead to understanding, learning and growth for all.

But expectations can sneak in there too. They can set themselves up in our minds when we're allowing ourselves to be our most vulnerable - like fencing or crash barriers that give a short-term feeling of security despite the speed we're travelling at. And when those expectations aren't met the force of feeling vulnerable, of leaving ourselves open, can take our breath away suddenly.

This is how I've been feeling at times: on the edge as I become more and more honest with myself and those around me, making the effort to rely on faith and trust as I listen to others' stories and do what I can. This is where I practice saying to myself BRING IT ON - just like the delicious Tara Bliss suggests. I allow myself to feel fully vulnerable and uncomfortable and walk through my resistance (to failure). And then I can see my fears for what they are...and can learning from the lesson as it passes by.

My last post about our marriage was honest and raw. And it needed to be that way for us. Life is full and busy and the residue of post-natal depression has left us with little to say sometimes, or little time to say it.

The big things, the important things; about love and dreams and feelings, get put aside to deal with day-to-day dramas and practical considerations. This is what we manage at the moment, but its not what I want and I think I can see - I know I can feel - that its not what Ian wants either. That's what I hang on to.

And so what matters most is what action we take to work towards that better place - that place where communication is clear and free-flowing, upfront and loving all at the same time.

Sometimes the best way to open a new conversation, a more open dialogue, is to take a risk and go about it in a very different way.

Soon we will shake up our daily life with 100 days of travel around Australia - and if that doesn't bring back the best of us and more then I'm out of ideas.

And in the meantime....

Well I might just continue being raw and honest with myself and the world through my writing, and urge Ian to take a look when he has time.

Unorthodox? Perhaps....

But who says normal is worth aiming for anyway?

Cleaning windows

"In the end...liberation must be an inner question, a search for quality of life which cannot be arranged, but only discovered and lived"

The time is ripe for talking about our marriage (did I just mix a metaphor there?)

Up until now I've been very good at keeping it behind closed doors. And behind thee scenes of my blog and social media.

And I guess to be fair to myself, this is the status of a lot of relationships - both marital and otherwise. I almost always find myself deeply surprised when a marriage ends. And I find, irrationally, that I tend to think everyone else's marriages are healthier than ours.

And now it feels, or at least I need, to be open. I need to talk about how things really feel for me. Why now I'm not entirely sure, but its like I'm cleaning out my inner house, one window, one room, at a time. And as more light pours in I see the hidden recesses more clearly. And then these too need to be seen, evaluated, cleared up.

That's how it feels right now. Just a need to be open. An introduction to another part of me, rather than a startling revelation on the inner workings of us.

But I think, also, that turning the light on and pulling back those curtains is both vulnerable and healthy. It begins the process of detoxification and understanding. It re-starts connection and clarity.

And although I feel sad that the commitment I made to my man years ago has waned, our connectedness threadbare and practical, it feels reasonable for things to be this way after the ravages of post-natal depression.

As I clean another room in my house and pull back the curtains my wish is for greater clarity, light and understanding. For all of us.

xx

Ease and peace

We'll, it's official. Homeschooling has begun. In earnest. For a whole year.

Part of me is terrified - my mind often filled with ceaseless negative chatter (what the f@&k are you doing Carolyn? You were the most enthusiastic teacher at your school. You lectured in education. You can't possibly keep this up. What if you damage Rosie in some way? What about her friends? What about...).

And part of me, a deeper soul-filled part, feels ease and peace. Feels like things have fallen into place. And I am, quite frankly, relieved that I don't need to get psyched-up to get Rosie to school that first week back, or make lunch boxes, or tick-off readers, remember to return her library books, remember that she's mountain biking straight after school and that we need to rush....

I feel weird, it's true. And very, very vulnerable. 

But as I've written before, I think these are good signs. They're signs that I'm listening to that important inner voice that gently, but insistently, says this is what you need. And indeed, this is all I need to say to myself to feel calm descend and the chatter quieten. For vulnerability, I'm coming to realise, is how it feels when my soul is in charge. There's no certainty, or set schedule, there's no evidence or overt logic - that's where my ego excels. No, a soul-led life feels softer, more rounded and, yes, more open and vulnerable. 

This is where I go now - I listen rather than plan. I ask for guidance rather than analyse. I love rather than just live.

And I'm happy.

Wishing you all vulnerable, soul-led days,

Carolyn x x

Embracing Vulnerability

"Practice outrageous acts of love"        - Caroline Myss


I've stepped up my 'self love' efforts a notch since I last wrote. I've been working on loving myself outrageously so that I may shine brightly and pass that light onto others that I love too.

The first thing I've done, and you may have noticed this from the previous post, is begun to wean myself off my anti-depressant medication.

Deep breath Mama....

I must admit that I'm feeling vulnerable and outside my comfort zone - I'm worried I may have made a mistake, that I'll yell or scream again, that I'll go back to sleepless exhaustion and a deep, deep hole in my mind..... But I'm also optimistic that its the right time to 'give it a try' because there's never going to be a great time to do this. Its always going to be a risk....because, really, life is a risk. And if we're not risking then we're not really living.

"Life is like riding a bicycle, in order to keep your balance you must keep moving"

 My second outrageous act of self love has been to begin meditating in a more consistent way. Of course I've tried this before without much success (and to be honest without much guidance) but this time it feels different. I get it now. I've been reading more online and in books - making connections and giving things a go.

And its been working most of the time.

I can cocoon myself in love from my heart with a 10 minute meditation on our rug or in the backyard.

I can go for a run in the bush and focus on my breath and feel energised (and my back and legs don't hurt as much)

I've started swimming again, and doing yoga more regularly....

Clearly meditation is good for me.


"Fears point to where we're supposed to go next" - Tara Bliss


And my third act of self-love has been to make contact with a mentor for some guidance....

Now this isn't something I do lightly - commitment, especially where money is involved, is tricky for me and takes some courage. I also don't ask for help very well. Somehow my pleas become caught in my throat, my mind comes crashing in and I get stuck in a hole again. Its happened lots and lots of times (and lots and lots more) and somehow seems related to my depression too. And so for some guidance in matters both spiritual and practical I chose the amazing Tara Bliss who's blog, Such Different Skies, I read regularly with enthusiasm.

I love Tara's curiosity, her ability to look deeply into herself and honestly pass on what she finds there. And I love the way she embraces vulnerability - something I have been working on myself. And finally I respect her steadfast commitment to a spiritually rewarding, yet very modern life.

 

Artwork from my 'Self Love Prayer Flags' by the lovely Lori Portka

Sweet wishes to you in this holiday season dear readers, may you embrace your vulnerability during this busy time.

Carolyn x x

Facing our fears

Pushing through our fears brings us face to face with our raw, human vulnerability. Its something that's beyond the definition of words, beyond our ability to reason. And yet fears are faced all the time, by all of us.

As a Mama with post-natal depression I feel like I've been facing lots of fears over the last few years and although I still feel panic, and it still feels uncomfortable, I think I've become better at dealing with those feelings.

Some 'mantras' I've been saying to myself lately have really hit the spot for me, and I thought I'd share them with you too, dear reader. So when fear takes hold, hold on, and repeat these to yourself, perhaps they may help you too:

"feel the fear, and do it anyway"

 

"be the change you want to see"

 

"start before you're ready"

I LOVE these, and they certainly help me to distinguish fear from love and passion when I'm faced with a trickly decision or situation.

What's helping me the most at the moment, as I come off anti-depressants after 18 months, is focussing on my panic/fear/anxiety/whatever in a visceral way - how do these feel physically to me?
- does my body temperature rise?
-does my heart beat faster?
-do I feel tension in my body? Where?
-do I feel fluttery or shaky anywhere?
I focus as specifically as I can on how it feels in my body (not in my emotions) and also how long I feel like that for. Invariably I'm surprised by how short these episodes are and how effective this technique is for 'naming' the fear/anxiety etc...

It helps me to separate from them and I can then move on. I can then get on with acting on my intuition, taking the risks it suggests and living more fully.

May this post help you too, dear Mamas.

Carolyn x x x