Welcoming awe-full experiences

"Life has ceased to be sacred or holy for so many people...we need awe in our lives" - Caroline Myss

One of the things that was really missing when I was feeling the full force of my post natal depression was awe. And, truth be told, awe isn't something I experience enough these days either. I think I may I also be so bold as to suggest that everyone could so with more awe, more of the sacred in our lives.

Life didn't feel sacred with depression. It felt frozen. Colourless. Lonely. And I would like to say that it felt sad- but my emotions were too frozen to feel even that. At its best it was a limited existence. At it worst a living death. 

Sounds pretty awful, I know, to read and write these words. But one of the bigger difficulties of depression is the veil of silence that surrounds it - both in the media and in polite conversation, but more importantly in our own heads - in what we say to ourselves and out loud...in what we feel is acceptable.

I refuse to pander to that anymore. My depression is out and I make no apologies for telling it how it is - both to myself and others. This, I believe, can only be helpful to others who are suffering.

And so the more I think about it, the more I recognize that depression is not a just deep sadness, not just a need for deeeep-reeessssttt. It's an absence of feeling. An inability to move anywhere. Forget trying to feel better- I couldn't even make myself feel worse. I couldn't really feel anything except nothingness.

What I needed, and what ultimately came when I stopped resisting, was an awe-full experience. Hunky husband gave me an ugly ultimatum, I started thinking about whether it might be better to end it all.... It was awful.

And awe-full.

It switched me backed on. It jump-started me back to tears and terrible sadness. I even think a part of me died (that part that was holding on to a natural, no-chemical lifestyle). But it worked.

I went to the doctor, I got the drugs.....and the rest as they say....got better. Life got better. Awe happened more often.

And now? 

Well, now I feel I can give again. 

And so I give to you, Mamas. Whether you're suffering or not. Whether your children are young or old. Whether you have depression or not. 

I'm here for you with my story and I'd like to hear yours. Please post below (anonymously if you wish) your story and share it with the world. Depression is a secret no longer.

X x

"To give beyond reason, to care beyond hope, to love without limit; to reach, stretch, and dream, in spite of your fears. These are the hallmarks of divinity - traits of the immortal - your badges of honor." - Caroline Myss