Oh, this tears at the heart of this Mama. For so long I've strived to be everything, aimed too high and exhausted myself in the process. I think what I have needed is to lower my expectations. But to be honest folks, I'm scared. In fact I'm filled with dread and anxiety at the thought of even discussing this.
I think, and this is delving deeply, that lowering my expectations is synonymous with dying to me. That perfectionistic, high-achieving part of myself is screaming out No! Let me live. Let me drive your life.
But I don't want that to drive my life anymore. At the very least its unhealthy for me, and at the very best it could change my life. Though, like sugar, I recognise that aiming high is not in itself a bad thing. Its just that it gets out of control for me and I lose perspective (and then gain anxiety, depression etc...).
What I want is to lower many of my expectations, but not all. Don't get me wrong here - I don't wan to aim low or aim for nothing (heaven forbid). But I do want to let down those expectations that I have of myself and others that are unrealistic and do more harm than good. (Of course what is realistic to one can be unrealistic to another but that's for another post methinks).
For example; it would do this Mama some good to lower her expectations about how many children she 'should' have ('should' is definitely worth another post). Somewhere in my head I think that more children equals better parenting, or perhaps more worthwhile parenting. Two children was definitely not on the agenda. And yet now I find myself very happy with my two little cherubs, but still beat myself up inside about not having more. And here's the crux of it: sometimes this Mama thinks she's not good enough because she's 'only had two children'.
Clearly this is not a helpful thought, but it continues to pop up and reinforces an expectation that's unrealistically high.
I could think (and I am working on this one, its BIG) that two children are just fine and its the love I give that's important. I could also imagine that I do have more children already (my own inner child, Ian's inner child, other people's children we see and play with, my niece and nephew...). Everyone's a child really, adults just have other layers of maturity too.
Its just that lowering this expectation (and others like it) requires quite a leap of faith, quite a letting go that fills me with dread and fear. Like a massive mountain I need to scale.
So I tell myself its the overall effect that's important. Its not the detail (which I get bogged down in) and it doesn't need to be perfect or exactly what I imagined (because I have a strong imagination). Saying this to myself helps to curb my perfectionism by focusing on the big picture, helping me to forgive myself for mistakes and encouraging me to take a deep breathe and stop doing - and then I can better appreciate what I've done.
Its such an important thought for me - and perhaps, dear readers, if perfectionism and anxiety is a problem for you it might help too. Its the overall effect you see....
No comments:
Post a Comment