I've stepped up my 'self love' efforts a notch since I last wrote. I've been working on loving myself outrageously so that I may shine brightly and pass that light onto others that I love too.
The first thing I've done, and you may have noticed this from the previous post, is begun to wean myself off my anti-depressant medication.
Deep breath Mama....
I must admit that I'm feeling vulnerable and outside my comfort zone - I'm worried I may have made a mistake, that I'll yell or scream again, that I'll go back to sleepless exhaustion and a deep, deep hole in my mind..... But I'm also optimistic that its the right time to 'give it a try' because there's never going to be a great time to do this. Its always going to be a risk....because, really, life is a risk. And if we're not risking then we're not really living.
"Life is like riding a bicycle, in order to keep your balance you must keep moving"
My second outrageous act of self love has been to begin meditating in a more consistent way. Of course I've tried this before without much success (and to be honest without much guidance) but this time it feels different. I get it now. I've been reading more online and in books - making connections and giving things a go.
And its been working most of the time.
I can cocoon myself in love from my heart with a 10 minute meditation on our rug or in the backyard.
I can go for a run in the bush and focus on my breath and feel energised (and my back and legs don't hurt as much)
I've started swimming again, and doing yoga more regularly....
Clearly meditation is good for me.
"Fears point to where we're supposed to go next" - Tara Bliss
And my third act of self-love has been to make contact with a mentor for some guidance....
Now this isn't something I do lightly - commitment, especially where money is involved, is tricky for me and takes some courage. I also don't ask for help very well. Somehow my pleas become caught in my throat, my mind comes crashing in and I get stuck in a hole again. Its happened lots and lots of times (and lots and lots more) and somehow seems related to my depression too. And so for some guidance in matters both spiritual and practical I chose the amazing Tara Bliss who's blog, Such Different Skies, I read regularly with enthusiasm.
I love Tara's curiosity, her ability to look deeply into herself and honestly pass on what she finds there. And I love the way she embraces vulnerability - something I have been working on myself. And finally I respect her steadfast commitment to a spiritually rewarding, yet very modern life.
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| Artwork from my 'Self Love Prayer Flags' by the lovely Lori Portka |
Carolyn x x
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