Loving the ugly parts

I've come to the end of my last packet of antidepressants. It's been a slow process, stepping down the dosage bit by bit, monitoring the side effects week by week.

And here I am, 10 days after the last dose of medication, feeling proud of myself but also experiencing dizziness each afternoon and general tiredness.

I thought I would feel elated, like I'd reached a milestone. But I've been feeling angry, teary, and a little out of control too.

I've found myself back into negative thought-habits, berating myself for being angry, scared that maybe now wasn't the right time to come off the meds, and ultimately confused about how to tackle all this emotion.

For its a time of transition to be sure. We're beginning homeschooling, I'm now dealing with the full range of my emotions (hidden partly by the medication for the past 18 months) and finishing up my coffee-making role at the the Mount Beauty Bakery.

One-by-one my 'identities' are dropping away - no longer a traditional teacher, no longer a 'normal' parent, no longer a victim of depression.

It feels right for this to be happening but my ego doesn't like it and I'm scared of what may come. I can't 'see' it. I can sense of growing inside of me (no, I'm not pregnant), inside my heart mostly. Like there's an explosion of love and gratitude and success coming up. But my ego argues, insistently sometimes, that I'm crazy - and that this is all just dreamy nonsense.

So here I am, sitting by a river in still on a hot Summer's morning... feeling a kind of nothingness...a sign of an ego that's not being listened to anymore. A sign of a soul being heard.

So dramatic.

Yet so.....


Nice. xx