Back from the precipice

We're back from New Zealand - a week of inspiration, the wildness of the mountains and eating out with friends.

We arrived home late Sunday night - four days ago - and I had ideas about writing for you straight away - well, actually in New Zealand I was going to write.

But the experiences were so intense, and the week-off so treasured, that writing fell by the wayside except for a couple of particular times that sparked a rush of creativity.

And now that I'm back I'm just so exhausted. For three days now I've felt like I'm near the bottom of a low, needing lots of sleep, forgetting things, struggling to be organised. I feel overwhelmed with inspiration and don't know where to start, or what to do about it. Something as magnificent as this last week away in the mountains of NZ surely deserves poetry, accolades and a pedestal from which to shine. And I'm the one graced with the task of doing that.

So for now, I include the writing I did while away, with lots of lovely pictures for you to get a sense of the adventures we had.

Kepler Track

We're on the Kepler Track - walking, caring, growing. It hasn't been as we've expected but we are taking our challenges in our stride, working together and facing our own inner voices of doubt.

We've walked in the rain and the sun and the wind. We were greeted by a rainbow in Te Anau as we made our final preparations.

We walked, at the beginning, through a happy, magical forest full of ferns and tall, tall trees. At each turn I had visions of fairies or gnomes that might peak from behind a tree stump or appear from a hole beneath a bush. I thought of Rosie and how she would love this fairyland.

And now we've spent a day in a lovely mountain hut near Mount Luxmore. Our injured Mama has flown out via helicopter, leaving the three of us remaining to enjoy the day's solitude in an empty hut and the camaraderie of the evening's trampers.

We sit together, at the end of the communal kitchen area, where the windows are large and the jagged peaks across the lake call to us 'come and explore, take our photo'.

We make silly jokes and greet new trampers as they enter from their day walking in the rain.

We clean the kitchen for the ranger and light the fire in return for him letting us stay another night, since its now too late to continue and complete the walk.

Its quieter with three of us here together instead of four, but we have a good time anyway.

Are we richer for this experience? Most certainly I think. Through our challenges - different for us all - we have grown. For some the walk itself - the physical exertion of it - was the precipice of which they danced. For others is was the mental challenge of changing circumstances, time away from little ones and the sound of snoring in huts full of people.

Commitment to a dream

Well here we are. Four Mamas. Eleven children and four husbands left behind. A lovely Thai meal behind us and 8 glorious days of travel and tramping ahead of us in NZ.

It's a dream come true for me that's for sure. Six months ago this adventure was just an idea on a piece of paper. I gifted myself some time one day to look at where my passions overlap, and what insights I might draw from that. To my surprise I identified a walk, in the wilderness with like-minded Mamas, gaining clarity and releasing unneeded baggage.

Then I committed to the dream.

Surrendering

"Our image of awakening to and fulfilling our divine potential evokes the idea of an individual who is whole and complete, separated from lesser mortals, isolated and alone. Culturally, we have yet to envision a realistic, appealing model of the spiritually empowered human being....." (Caroline Myss, Sacred Contracts )

But I'm going to have a go anyway....

I've been working towards spiritual empowerment for a long while now, perhaps since I was a teenager. I've read a lot of books, called my search lots of different things, attended courses, listened to talks and lectures and thought and thought and thought about it all. Most recently I obtained the services of a coach (Tara Bliss - you might have heard me mention her before) who has helped to point me in the direction of a practical approach to becoming spiritually empowered.

I now have a regular, daily spiritual practice, which developed rather naturally out of my discussions with Tara. I do this each day, whenever it fits in around homeschooling, nappy changes, shopping, cooking, gardening etc... I know that early morning is meant to be the best time for this sort of spiritual focus, but it doesn't work that way in my life at the moment, so I do what I can with what I have. And it seems that that is enough.

In this practice I light a candle, meditate for 5 or 10 minutes (whatever my girls will allow before they need me) and shuffle my oracle/angel/flower cards (see Doreen Virtue ) and choose one from the top of the deck. I read its message and think about how to approach the day, or about what that message means for the worries I'm holding on to at that moment. Sometimes the message is clear, sometimes it becomes clear over the course of the day. Sometimes I act on the message despite a lack of understanding of why I must. I choose to trust in these moments each day, to surrender to guidance that's outside my head and ego.

This is my path to spiritual empowerment now. This surrender brings me long-sought-after-peace. This is what I DO, rather than read and think about (although I still read a lot too - am looking forward to receiving Vibrational Medicine by Gerber in my hot little hands soon). And when things become tricky in life - when there's a sudden, unexpected change of direction or a disappointment or challenge - I now more easily surrender. I have faith that this is happening for a massively awesome reason. That this is testing my ability to trust and that I can choose to panic and try to fix things, or choose to face the discomfort head on and enjoy the change as its happening.

This lets those things that I dream about, those changes I want, to proceed more quickly. I can surrender and get our of the way. I can 'resign as general manager of the universe' as the Passion Test says.

So this is what spiritual empowerment looks like for me - I'm still human, still dream of love and a permaculture property and lots of travel....

But I also look to the big picture for daily guidance, I listen to my intuition more and am becoming better at listening to my body. I think about how I can appreciate others more and practice gratitude as often as I get the chance. I pray. I meditate. I love yoga. I ask for grace in my life and the lives of my family and friends.

This, my friends, is my vision of being whole. xx

Realising a dream

You know that feeling, when you've been thinking about what you'd really love in your life, creating vision boards perhaps and writing descriptions of what it looks like, and then you realise that you have it already? 

I just got that.

I've been dreaming for a long while now about there being a source of income in my life that allows me to be location independent, help others and use my skills and creative talents.

But I didn't just want this. I also wanted there to be a lot of time in the wilderness, one-on-one conversations with like-minded Mamas and a platform from which to start discussions about love, grace and transforming the world.

And you know what?

That's all happened. My dreams have come true.

This time next week I'll be jetting to mountainous southern New Zealand for a 4-day tramp of the Kepler Track with 3 lovely, like-minded Mamas. Together we'll be exploring some amazing wilderness while we test our beliefs about ourselves, set some intentions for he coming year and let go of that which we want to lay to rest. In addition, I've set myself up as an online coach for Mamas, with a free sample session, longer packages and an e-course soon to come. And all of this is possible without the need for anything more than my soul-felt intentions, a candle, my oracle cards, notebook and my trusty iPad and computer. I'm free to be away from home. And within that context, I will be.

At the beginning of April we're heading off on a 100-day journey around the deserts and coasts of Australia as a family. For much of our trip we will have internet access and I can help Mamas in need. For our time across the Nullabor Plain and when up in the Kimberley I'll be taking a break and completely focussing on family.

It's a dream come true. Join me here for regular posts about our travels and challenges and about our other dreams that are coming true.

Xx

Resistance to the truth is the painful part

I'm being secretive.

I've let my saboteur out this week (perhaps this month?) and let her fill my head with ideas that I'm not good enough. I've let her guide me to the chocolate in the cupboard (hell, I let her guide me to the chocolate in the supermarket first), to take secretive, stolen bites of snickers bars and m&m's. And I've let her take from me my dignity and control.

But no more I say. I write this to let my saboteur out - I expose her and her tricks - and I'm not too proud to be honest about my actions.

You may think I'm being too hard on myself here, for we all slip up with our intentions from time to time and eat something unhealthy, or deviate from the path we've dreamed for ourselves. But 6 mini snickers? And 5 mini packets of m&m's? On top of the chocolate muffins I had this morning and the two blocks of lindt chocolate yesterday? Hmmm, that's not really a deviation methinks. That's the universe knocking on my door with a message. That's my soul crying out to be heard.

So what is it saying? What could be the message in this bottle of chocolate sauce? What is my soul telling me here?

In this life, and in this world, I know that there are no accidents. Everything happens for a very good reason, even if we can't see it at first.

So I have a choice here - I could choose to punish myself in some way (judgement, abstinence from sugar, forced exercise etc... and probably have my saboteur neatly back on my shoulder) or I could choose to see the lesson. I could choose to be grateful for this opportunity.

I can choose to shift my perspective and see that there's something I need to face up to in order to move forward. I can turn my attention to the vulnerability of my eating habits and the shame I feel when I think about how random and out of control my eating choices can be. And I can see how its my resistance to the shame and vulnerability that is holding me back from my dream (and one of my goals for this year) to allow myself to achieve beautiful, radiant health and energy - rather than the actual food I've eaten this time.

Its my resistance to the truth that's painful.

Wow....its feels like such a massive weight off my chest to just identify that. Ever since my teens I've had issues with my eating. Any one of you who has ever seen me would know that I've never been a large-sized woman, in fact I've always been on the skinny size (no change there). And yet it may surprise you to know that I've denied myself food on many occasions, lost an unhealthy amount of weight around my 21st year, and although I have strategies for not heading back to anorexia again, I still battle daily with the voices in my head about food choices, and usually I give in and eat what I feel like, which is often laden with chocolate. In short this is a big thing for me.

And yet this year, despite my past, I have a dream to allow myself to become all I can at each moment. To allow myself to feel ALL my feelings (without resistance). To allow my health to bloom. To allow myself to be something more than a teacher and a mama. To allow myself to write that book I've been wanting to write. To allow myself to begin a new direction helping others. To allow myself to be honest and open.

And so, in that context, this mini drama in the pantry with the chocolate is really a sign of change. Its my scared voices making a noise and letting me know that the changes I want are happening.



But I choose to be grateful for the shame and vulnerability. And for the opportunity to share with you all that I've been, and all I can be.

Much love,
Carolyn

Be the Boss

Its been a tough week here in camp homeschool. We've returned from our week away feeling relaxed, and I must admit that I expected us to get back motivated and pleased to be home. And this may have been the case for all of us, but its felt like hard work. Perhaps its the retrograde Mercury that's been affecting us this week, tampering with our technology and upsetting our learning rituals. Perhaps we were really just tired and needed a week to 'get back into the swing of things'.

Either way, there have been a lot of tears, from both small girls.

And as the homeschooling Mum who has taken responsibility for their education as well as their general health and wellbeing (I separate these three terms for the sake of understanding, but I really believe their one and the same - we are a whole are we not?), I have been feeling several emotions that have pushed me to my limits - anger, disappointment, sadness, guilt and fear - the big 5 really.

At times I've been able to look these squarely in the eye and breathe deeply and let them go. At other times this week, as they've come back again, I've been less than admirable and have yelled and judged. Not my finest qualities, but ones we all have nonetheless.

Having said all this, the biggest challenge this week has been an amazing learning opportunity for both Rosie and I. She has been suffering from her perception that other people create the happiness in her life - and that its other people's problem if she's not happy/motivated/inspired. And as a parent who has struggled with this herself a lot, but also come a long way with it, personal responsibility that is, this has challenged my sense of self and lead me to look deep within again.

So this week has also been a week of soul-searching - how can I help Rosie? Should I be disciplining her? Why is this happening now? Again? Really? I thought we dealt with this the other day?

And as this challenge repeatedly came up, my understanding of both Rosie and I grew. This is her greatest learning opportunity at the moment. She needs to feel her boundaries here. She needs to gain control over herself and her thoughts and actions so that she can determine her learning needs and move forward.

And so I have been surprised to find that we have been working on the most important learning of all - learning to be responsible for our own thoughts, words and actions. For authentic change in the world really only comes about by each of us taking personal responsibility for what we do, what we choose, what we think.

And so we have been talking to Rosie (and really ourselves) about the importance of being our own boss - being the boss of our thoughts, being the boss of our words and being the boss of our actions. For it is through these that we create our experiences. It is through these that we perceive our environment and decide whether we want to see it positively and with optimism, or negatively and with pessimism.

It is our hope as parents that this challenge is something Rosie remembers for the rest of her life, that it stands her in good stead and enables her to be a force for good in this world. And its our hope that we keep working on ourselves as well - delving deeper, becoming more authentic in our own ability to be personally responsible and ultimately be living role models for our children and others.

Wishing you a lovely day. xx