Voices of love and fear

Its been a while since I've graced this blog with my presence, though it hasn't been far from my mind in all that time. I could say that as a Mama I've been very busy, which would be true, or I could say that there are a lot of things up in the air, which is also true, and that this Mama has been a little lost in it all.
Truth be told I've been feeling like something is changing, something not-quite-tangible and not-too-sure but exciting nonetheless. And I just haven't felt that I've had anything to write or anything that I've needed to 'nut out' in order to make sense of things. I've been existing in a kind of shell where my antidepressants protect me from undue anxiety and low moods, but where they perhaps also prevent me from really feeling passion for things as well.
So life has been okay - not fantastic or inspiring and not really bad or too low either. Just a kind of limbo.
But, in that time, there has also been a growing sense of unease - why am I not writing? Why am I not wanting to make decisions? What is it that I want to do? And, ultimately, why do I have depression? For this mama is sure that everything happens for awesome reasons. And I feel like this awesome reason is starting to make itself known.

And that's really awesome.

And a little scary too.

You see, what this Mama has wanted for a few years now is to homeschool her children. To travelschool. To gardenschool. To adventureschool. To worldschool. Its such a big dream - so amazing and yet so very scary.

What if I get it wrong? What if they hate me for it later? What will other parents say? What will Rosie's school say? What judgements will be passed upon our family for my choice?

The list of fears in this Mama's head is very long.

And yet in spite of these my heart remains firm. This passion has not diminished in several years and the growing of my girls. When I look into my heart it swells with gratitude for the opportunities I already have to provide education, learning and love for them. I find myself drawn to other's homeschooling stories. I read blogs about homeschooling and travelschooling families (Soulemama, Ben Hewitt, Soultravelers3). And when I look at my bookshelves and the pile of reading material next to my bed, I see a collection of ideas about what I could do with my girls at home.

The evidence is all there.

And yet still I waver. Those voices of fear are strong and prevalent. And somehow related to my depression too. Surely, this mama thinks, depression is the body's reaction to not following your passions. It's a stillness of emotions - a nothingness in which passion is lost, given up on perhaps, and a sadness pervades. And so the antidote to this must be re-igniting that passion, listening once again to the messages the heart gives and, with help and support and time, following where those messages lead, so that true healing can begin.

And so that depression can turn to expression.