Facing the death of a loved one

"Everything is connected, everything continues" - Thich Nhat Hanh

This is the week my Nan passed away. She was a gentle soul, a stable love in my life and had the most graceful smile I've ever experienced.

To say I miss her is an understatement and my heart is most certainly broken open with a despair that I'm trying hard to contain.

It feels murky here in these depths - a grey void of difficulty where my ego desperately wants things to stay the same and my heart knows she needed to move on. That I need to move on too.

I'm no expert on the death of loved ones and to be very raw and vulnerable with you - I avoid thinking about it and go out of my way to avoid the fear of my own death.

Nan's passing has made me panicky and afraid - of depression returning and of my own coming end one day.

I need to be super kind with myself right now and thought you'd like to know how I've been giving to myself in this time of turmoil:

1. I'm letting myself cry. Perhaps an obvious one but very important all the same.

2. I'm admitting to myself that this heartache is necessary for my spiritual growth. Heartache is good. It opens us up and let's us give more.

3. I'm choosing to believe that Nan continues on in us all, in my whole family, in the very fibre of our physical beings. Her love and strength now falls upon our shoulders to be carried forward.

As I said, I'm no expert on this, but I'm working on grounding myself through these actions.

I'm also thinking logically that there are joys to be had from every moment of our lives - otherwise why are we here? 

And so as I feel that grief and ache in my heart I also recognise that I'm so, so privileged to have had Nan's unconditional love, her gentleness and her care. The force of my grief is a testament to that. And with that knowledge I have a great strength to love and live with joy.

When we transmute and transform our pain, 

when we let it change us, 

we let the sun shine again.

A quote to leave with you...

"I am not afraid of dying because I see myself in...you. You have come to learn with me and there is a lot of me within you. I am giving myself to you. If you have received some understanding, some compassion, and some awakening from me then I am continued in you. Later on, if someone wants to look for me, they just come to you and they see me". Thich Nhat Hanh