Eating for expression

Lately I've been an a quest to heal my depression through healthy eating.

And true to this Mama, that means I've done a lot of reading, bought some more books for my collection and connected with a few more blogs.

Overall it's been an inspiring time AND I'm feeling like I have more energy. 

Is it healing my depression? Well, it's really too early to tell...but any change for the better is worth chasing right? And, as a good friend of mine recently, gently reminded me, sometimes you just need to put one foot in front of the other and get through tough stages, rather than chasing dreams and denying the present.

Here are a few of the goodies I've discovered for myself that are helpful:

- Superfoods - I was never really sure what these were before but I got my hands on a copy of David Wolfe's book Superfoods: The Food and Medicine of the Future from Bright Organics (my new favourite shop) and found myself reading from cover to cover. And now, from his top ten Superfoods list I'm including bee pollen, Maca powder, spirulina powder, raw cacao and goji berries in my diet. 

- new recipes - raw cacao homemade chocolate bark, banana and Maca smoothies, life-changing bread, goji berry tea

- cod liver oil - sounds disgusting but its in capsules and the vitamin A and D are just what my liver needs.

- as much food from my garden as possible - freshly laid eggs, strawberries, silver beet, snow peas and leeks (at the moment).

It's a journey, and this Mama would love to hear how others are tackling their depression and healing.

Raw cacao chocolate bark via Eat Drink Paleo

Life-changing bread via My New Roots

Goji berry tea

Fresh strawberries from our garden.

 

The more I focus on these super healthy foods, the more I feel I can express myself - through writing, playing the flute, as a Mama...

 

And that's what I'm looking for.

Voices of love and fear

Its been a while since I've graced this blog with my presence, though it hasn't been far from my mind in all that time. I could say that as a Mama I've been very busy, which would be true, or I could say that there are a lot of things up in the air, which is also true, and that this Mama has been a little lost in it all.
Truth be told I've been feeling like something is changing, something not-quite-tangible and not-too-sure but exciting nonetheless. And I just haven't felt that I've had anything to write or anything that I've needed to 'nut out' in order to make sense of things. I've been existing in a kind of shell where my antidepressants protect me from undue anxiety and low moods, but where they perhaps also prevent me from really feeling passion for things as well.
So life has been okay - not fantastic or inspiring and not really bad or too low either. Just a kind of limbo.
But, in that time, there has also been a growing sense of unease - why am I not writing? Why am I not wanting to make decisions? What is it that I want to do? And, ultimately, why do I have depression? For this mama is sure that everything happens for awesome reasons. And I feel like this awesome reason is starting to make itself known.

And that's really awesome.

And a little scary too.

You see, what this Mama has wanted for a few years now is to homeschool her children. To travelschool. To gardenschool. To adventureschool. To worldschool. Its such a big dream - so amazing and yet so very scary.

What if I get it wrong? What if they hate me for it later? What will other parents say? What will Rosie's school say? What judgements will be passed upon our family for my choice?

The list of fears in this Mama's head is very long.

And yet in spite of these my heart remains firm. This passion has not diminished in several years and the growing of my girls. When I look into my heart it swells with gratitude for the opportunities I already have to provide education, learning and love for them. I find myself drawn to other's homeschooling stories. I read blogs about homeschooling and travelschooling families (Soulemama, Ben Hewitt, Soultravelers3). And when I look at my bookshelves and the pile of reading material next to my bed, I see a collection of ideas about what I could do with my girls at home.

The evidence is all there.

And yet still I waver. Those voices of fear are strong and prevalent. And somehow related to my depression too. Surely, this mama thinks, depression is the body's reaction to not following your passions. It's a stillness of emotions - a nothingness in which passion is lost, given up on perhaps, and a sadness pervades. And so the antidote to this must be re-igniting that passion, listening once again to the messages the heart gives and, with help and support and time, following where those messages lead, so that true healing can begin.

And so that depression can turn to expression.

This Summery day together

Its been a busy time for this mama lately - not the hectic, all-consuming busy-ness of business, but the ongoing, daily busy-ness in the life of a family of four with Mama and Papa working alternate days. Its nothing unique or unusual really, but I'm feeling most tired.
The reason this seems so obvious today is because today is a 'day off' - neither of us are working and there are no races or activities scheduled which would take one of us away while the other spends quality time with our two girls. And because today is the first real 'day off' for at least 3 weeks, it feels quite blissful and almost unusual. And I find myself wishing there were some more days like this.
So within this blissful bubble I've watered our newest little seedlings, made a fresh batch of laundry powder, read stories to Bethany and helped Rosie with some number work. And all the while Ian has mowed and worked on our soon-to-be-sold car.
There are background issues of course - will Ian get that job he's gone for? Should I continue taking antidepressants? What about another child?
But for now they are pushed aside (mostly) and we enjoy this Summery day together.

This week in the garden

A marvellous day

Its a powerful sort of thing, when like-minded friends get together to climb a mountain on a sunny day. There's a strength that comes from climbing together, from sharing food whilst sharing stories, from reaching the summit together and hugging for the joy of it all. And there's a special bond that begins to develop, as friendships deepen and expand and barriers are surpassed. There's a clarity that comes from being up high, looking to the horizon, thinking of loved ones far away.

That's how it was for this Mama and her mama-friends last weekend. We started early and finished later than we thought, but Mount Feathertop was summited by all. And after 24km and 10 hours, we all agree that it was a marvellous day.

Our early morning beginning was colder than this Mama expected and we walked quickly through the forest remains of last Summer's bushfire before the sun reached us and we began to shed our layers.

By the time we reached Federation Hut it was a warm and sunny day, as we'd expected, and lunch was lovely on the 'lawn' of grass around the shallow saddle where the hut is built.

The 'summit push' was short and sweet (relatively speaking), but still took our breath away, and we enjoyed our glimpses of the Snowy Mountains in the distance, ladybugs on the rocks and the remains of the snow just on the south side of the ridge.

Two false summits led us to the small top of the mountain where we stayed for a while and pondered and looked and thought and ate.

Then it was down again and a long(ish) but lovely walk along the south razorback to Diamantina Hut where cars and loved ones were waiting.

The bushfires have devastated a large area, much of which we walked through last weekend, but everywhere there was new growth, however small.

Here's to more long walks in the mountains my Mama-friends!

In the garden this week

Lots growing, lots of picking and lots of planting...

Such beautiful yoga

Its so lovely when we discover something amazing and....well, perfect.....right on our doorstep isn't it? That's just what happened to this Mama this morning.
I had been thinking about attending my friend, Amber's, yoga classes for a while, but there always seemed to be something in the way. There was Bethany who needed to be happy with someone else for an hour or so, there was my ongoing back problem, my tiredness.... there was a list that I let keep me from going. And when I think about it now, perhaps this Mama was just plain scared too - scared of looking like a dill (a common fear I'm afraid) and scared even that I might like it too much, and throw myself into it in an over-the-top way (also a common reaction from this Mama).

And so I let these fears keep me away until I heard about the retreat.
Last weekend. In a lovely little town not far from here. Some of my friends. Yoga. Journalling. Healthy food. Oh my, I so wished I had known about it. I felt still and sad inside that I'd missed it. There was even jealousy (oh, yes, but I'm getting better at turning that around so it didn't last too long). And then I realised just how much I wanted to be going to these yoga classes each week and how much I'd been holding myself back.

And so today I made effort, more effort than I thought I needed to, and arrived (5 minutes late) to Amber's 'The Beauty of Yoga' for the first time.
It was lovely. I stretched. I stood in Warrior pose. I felt strong. And at the end I felt a level of relaxation and clarity that has been missing for a while.

Thank-you my friend. May we enjoy more yoga together!

Rosie's birthday week

This Mama and her brood are proudly celebrating Rosie's 6th birthday this week. And why not celebrate for a whole week? She's a special girl.
We have balloons in the garden, flags along the fence, decorations in the house and invitations went out to special friends for an 'explorer party' at the mountain bike park.
With compasses in hand, Rosie and about 10 friends were led by Ian around a nature hunt before returning for a sausage sizzle and cake. The rain didn't stop us either (if anyone can remember last year's downpour and 40 people in our house, this was much more relaxed).

Happy Birthday beautiful girl.

Taking a photo of her cake with her new iPod.

The many, many cupcakes baked for her class.

At her 'explorer party' with the compass cake and all her friends.

Some of our decorations to celebrate this week.

Just so everyone knows...

Just some of the baking...

Getting prepared.

New presents need to be worn right away don't they?

At the party - the rain held off for a while then there was a quick relocation to shelter at the mountain bike park for the cake.