Our solstice days

With Christmas coming closer and the Summer Solstice now past we have had a week of family, hot days (over 40 degrees Celsius at one point) and now some Summer rain to keep the garden growing wildly.
Rosie is happily home for the holidays after a full year of school (albeit with lots of homeschooling days, as is our bent). Its a lovely thought to know that she'll be around all day everyday for imaginative play, reading, adventures and whatever-takes-our-fancy.
Bethany is now talking more too, after a couple of months of that frustration that comes from not being understood. I'm sure she must have been telling us detailed stories and asking complex questions, and yet we were oblivious.
A new side of this little girl is now emerging, to the joy of everyone.
And so, with friends and family in tow, we journey to Melbourne tomorrow for Christmas festivities and begin to think about the new year.

Wishing you connection, creativity and joy over this holiday season.

Carolyn x x

Rosie painting Ian's nails ready for a 'play' she wrote.

Nana needed her nails done too!

Miss Rosie has actually become a lot better at applying nailpolish

Miss Bethany deep in play by herself - so lovely to see

Nana and Pop bought this 'paint by numbers' for Rosie for her birthday - but I think they like it more than she does...








Purple-podded peas growing well in the warm weather


Our substantial strawberry patch is still producing thanks to some selective watering over the hotter days

Miss Pippy, our largest hen, in the chook yard.

Unwrapping my inner child

Christmas is a time for me when family expectations, or at least my perception of the expectations, can trump the joy and excitement I see in my girls faces. 

This year I worked on being present (ha, ha), focused on letting tension go and on unwrapping my inner child, if only for a few hours.

My inner child plays better, she accepts more and she's more able to let others do things for her.

This has been my Christmas - and I DO feel more relaxed, despite my initial expectations.

How has your Christmas been dear Mamas?

X x

Embracing Vulnerability

"Practice outrageous acts of love"        - Caroline Myss


I've stepped up my 'self love' efforts a notch since I last wrote. I've been working on loving myself outrageously so that I may shine brightly and pass that light onto others that I love too.

The first thing I've done, and you may have noticed this from the previous post, is begun to wean myself off my anti-depressant medication.

Deep breath Mama....

I must admit that I'm feeling vulnerable and outside my comfort zone - I'm worried I may have made a mistake, that I'll yell or scream again, that I'll go back to sleepless exhaustion and a deep, deep hole in my mind..... But I'm also optimistic that its the right time to 'give it a try' because there's never going to be a great time to do this. Its always going to be a risk....because, really, life is a risk. And if we're not risking then we're not really living.

"Life is like riding a bicycle, in order to keep your balance you must keep moving"

 My second outrageous act of self love has been to begin meditating in a more consistent way. Of course I've tried this before without much success (and to be honest without much guidance) but this time it feels different. I get it now. I've been reading more online and in books - making connections and giving things a go.

And its been working most of the time.

I can cocoon myself in love from my heart with a 10 minute meditation on our rug or in the backyard.

I can go for a run in the bush and focus on my breath and feel energised (and my back and legs don't hurt as much)

I've started swimming again, and doing yoga more regularly....

Clearly meditation is good for me.


"Fears point to where we're supposed to go next" - Tara Bliss


And my third act of self-love has been to make contact with a mentor for some guidance....

Now this isn't something I do lightly - commitment, especially where money is involved, is tricky for me and takes some courage. I also don't ask for help very well. Somehow my pleas become caught in my throat, my mind comes crashing in and I get stuck in a hole again. Its happened lots and lots of times (and lots and lots more) and somehow seems related to my depression too. And so for some guidance in matters both spiritual and practical I chose the amazing Tara Bliss who's blog, Such Different Skies, I read regularly with enthusiasm.

I love Tara's curiosity, her ability to look deeply into herself and honestly pass on what she finds there. And I love the way she embraces vulnerability - something I have been working on myself. And finally I respect her steadfast commitment to a spiritually rewarding, yet very modern life.

 

Artwork from my 'Self Love Prayer Flags' by the lovely Lori Portka

Sweet wishes to you in this holiday season dear readers, may you embrace your vulnerability during this busy time.

Carolyn x x

Facing our fears

Pushing through our fears brings us face to face with our raw, human vulnerability. Its something that's beyond the definition of words, beyond our ability to reason. And yet fears are faced all the time, by all of us.

As a Mama with post-natal depression I feel like I've been facing lots of fears over the last few years and although I still feel panic, and it still feels uncomfortable, I think I've become better at dealing with those feelings.

Some 'mantras' I've been saying to myself lately have really hit the spot for me, and I thought I'd share them with you too, dear reader. So when fear takes hold, hold on, and repeat these to yourself, perhaps they may help you too:

"feel the fear, and do it anyway"

 

"be the change you want to see"

 

"start before you're ready"

I LOVE these, and they certainly help me to distinguish fear from love and passion when I'm faced with a trickly decision or situation.

What's helping me the most at the moment, as I come off anti-depressants after 18 months, is focussing on my panic/fear/anxiety/whatever in a visceral way - how do these feel physically to me?
- does my body temperature rise?
-does my heart beat faster?
-do I feel tension in my body? Where?
-do I feel fluttery or shaky anywhere?
I focus as specifically as I can on how it feels in my body (not in my emotions) and also how long I feel like that for. Invariably I'm surprised by how short these episodes are and how effective this technique is for 'naming' the fear/anxiety etc...

It helps me to separate from them and I can then move on. I can then get on with acting on my intuition, taking the risks it suggests and living more fully.

May this post help you too, dear Mamas.

Carolyn x x x

Are you a Mountain Mama?

Fancy joining me for a tramp in New Zealand next March? I'm inviting all interested, like-minded mamas to come, walk, share and explore together.

See details on the 'mountain mamas' link above.

Lots of love,

Carolyn

Eating for expression

Lately I've been an a quest to heal my depression through healthy eating.

And true to this Mama, that means I've done a lot of reading, bought some more books for my collection and connected with a few more blogs.

Overall it's been an inspiring time AND I'm feeling like I have more energy. 

Is it healing my depression? Well, it's really too early to tell...but any change for the better is worth chasing right? And, as a good friend of mine recently, gently reminded me, sometimes you just need to put one foot in front of the other and get through tough stages, rather than chasing dreams and denying the present.

Here are a few of the goodies I've discovered for myself that are helpful:

- Superfoods - I was never really sure what these were before but I got my hands on a copy of David Wolfe's book Superfoods: The Food and Medicine of the Future from Bright Organics (my new favourite shop) and found myself reading from cover to cover. And now, from his top ten Superfoods list I'm including bee pollen, Maca powder, spirulina powder, raw cacao and goji berries in my diet. 

- new recipes - raw cacao homemade chocolate bark, banana and Maca smoothies, life-changing bread, goji berry tea

- cod liver oil - sounds disgusting but its in capsules and the vitamin A and D are just what my liver needs.

- as much food from my garden as possible - freshly laid eggs, strawberries, silver beet, snow peas and leeks (at the moment).

It's a journey, and this Mama would love to hear how others are tackling their depression and healing.

Raw cacao chocolate bark via Eat Drink Paleo

Life-changing bread via My New Roots

Goji berry tea

Fresh strawberries from our garden.

 

The more I focus on these super healthy foods, the more I feel I can express myself - through writing, playing the flute, as a Mama...

 

And that's what I'm looking for.

Voices of love and fear

Its been a while since I've graced this blog with my presence, though it hasn't been far from my mind in all that time. I could say that as a Mama I've been very busy, which would be true, or I could say that there are a lot of things up in the air, which is also true, and that this Mama has been a little lost in it all.
Truth be told I've been feeling like something is changing, something not-quite-tangible and not-too-sure but exciting nonetheless. And I just haven't felt that I've had anything to write or anything that I've needed to 'nut out' in order to make sense of things. I've been existing in a kind of shell where my antidepressants protect me from undue anxiety and low moods, but where they perhaps also prevent me from really feeling passion for things as well.
So life has been okay - not fantastic or inspiring and not really bad or too low either. Just a kind of limbo.
But, in that time, there has also been a growing sense of unease - why am I not writing? Why am I not wanting to make decisions? What is it that I want to do? And, ultimately, why do I have depression? For this mama is sure that everything happens for awesome reasons. And I feel like this awesome reason is starting to make itself known.

And that's really awesome.

And a little scary too.

You see, what this Mama has wanted for a few years now is to homeschool her children. To travelschool. To gardenschool. To adventureschool. To worldschool. Its such a big dream - so amazing and yet so very scary.

What if I get it wrong? What if they hate me for it later? What will other parents say? What will Rosie's school say? What judgements will be passed upon our family for my choice?

The list of fears in this Mama's head is very long.

And yet in spite of these my heart remains firm. This passion has not diminished in several years and the growing of my girls. When I look into my heart it swells with gratitude for the opportunities I already have to provide education, learning and love for them. I find myself drawn to other's homeschooling stories. I read blogs about homeschooling and travelschooling families (Soulemama, Ben Hewitt, Soultravelers3). And when I look at my bookshelves and the pile of reading material next to my bed, I see a collection of ideas about what I could do with my girls at home.

The evidence is all there.

And yet still I waver. Those voices of fear are strong and prevalent. And somehow related to my depression too. Surely, this mama thinks, depression is the body's reaction to not following your passions. It's a stillness of emotions - a nothingness in which passion is lost, given up on perhaps, and a sadness pervades. And so the antidote to this must be re-igniting that passion, listening once again to the messages the heart gives and, with help and support and time, following where those messages lead, so that true healing can begin.

And so that depression can turn to expression.

This Summery day together

Its been a busy time for this mama lately - not the hectic, all-consuming busy-ness of business, but the ongoing, daily busy-ness in the life of a family of four with Mama and Papa working alternate days. Its nothing unique or unusual really, but I'm feeling most tired.
The reason this seems so obvious today is because today is a 'day off' - neither of us are working and there are no races or activities scheduled which would take one of us away while the other spends quality time with our two girls. And because today is the first real 'day off' for at least 3 weeks, it feels quite blissful and almost unusual. And I find myself wishing there were some more days like this.
So within this blissful bubble I've watered our newest little seedlings, made a fresh batch of laundry powder, read stories to Bethany and helped Rosie with some number work. And all the while Ian has mowed and worked on our soon-to-be-sold car.
There are background issues of course - will Ian get that job he's gone for? Should I continue taking antidepressants? What about another child?
But for now they are pushed aside (mostly) and we enjoy this Summery day together.