Resistance to the truth is the painful part

I'm being secretive.

I've let my saboteur out this week (perhaps this month?) and let her fill my head with ideas that I'm not good enough. I've let her guide me to the chocolate in the cupboard (hell, I let her guide me to the chocolate in the supermarket first), to take secretive, stolen bites of snickers bars and m&m's. And I've let her take from me my dignity and control.

But no more I say. I write this to let my saboteur out - I expose her and her tricks - and I'm not too proud to be honest about my actions.

You may think I'm being too hard on myself here, for we all slip up with our intentions from time to time and eat something unhealthy, or deviate from the path we've dreamed for ourselves. But 6 mini snickers? And 5 mini packets of m&m's? On top of the chocolate muffins I had this morning and the two blocks of lindt chocolate yesterday? Hmmm, that's not really a deviation methinks. That's the universe knocking on my door with a message. That's my soul crying out to be heard.

So what is it saying? What could be the message in this bottle of chocolate sauce? What is my soul telling me here?

In this life, and in this world, I know that there are no accidents. Everything happens for a very good reason, even if we can't see it at first.

So I have a choice here - I could choose to punish myself in some way (judgement, abstinence from sugar, forced exercise etc... and probably have my saboteur neatly back on my shoulder) or I could choose to see the lesson. I could choose to be grateful for this opportunity.

I can choose to shift my perspective and see that there's something I need to face up to in order to move forward. I can turn my attention to the vulnerability of my eating habits and the shame I feel when I think about how random and out of control my eating choices can be. And I can see how its my resistance to the shame and vulnerability that is holding me back from my dream (and one of my goals for this year) to allow myself to achieve beautiful, radiant health and energy - rather than the actual food I've eaten this time.

Its my resistance to the truth that's painful.

Wow....its feels like such a massive weight off my chest to just identify that. Ever since my teens I've had issues with my eating. Any one of you who has ever seen me would know that I've never been a large-sized woman, in fact I've always been on the skinny size (no change there). And yet it may surprise you to know that I've denied myself food on many occasions, lost an unhealthy amount of weight around my 21st year, and although I have strategies for not heading back to anorexia again, I still battle daily with the voices in my head about food choices, and usually I give in and eat what I feel like, which is often laden with chocolate. In short this is a big thing for me.

And yet this year, despite my past, I have a dream to allow myself to become all I can at each moment. To allow myself to feel ALL my feelings (without resistance). To allow my health to bloom. To allow myself to be something more than a teacher and a mama. To allow myself to write that book I've been wanting to write. To allow myself to begin a new direction helping others. To allow myself to be honest and open.

And so, in that context, this mini drama in the pantry with the chocolate is really a sign of change. Its my scared voices making a noise and letting me know that the changes I want are happening.



But I choose to be grateful for the shame and vulnerability. And for the opportunity to share with you all that I've been, and all I can be.

Much love,
Carolyn

Ease and peace

We'll, it's official. Homeschooling has begun. In earnest. For a whole year.

Part of me is terrified - my mind often filled with ceaseless negative chatter (what the f@&k are you doing Carolyn? You were the most enthusiastic teacher at your school. You lectured in education. You can't possibly keep this up. What if you damage Rosie in some way? What about her friends? What about...).

And part of me, a deeper soul-filled part, feels ease and peace. Feels like things have fallen into place. And I am, quite frankly, relieved that I don't need to get psyched-up to get Rosie to school that first week back, or make lunch boxes, or tick-off readers, remember to return her library books, remember that she's mountain biking straight after school and that we need to rush....

I feel weird, it's true. And very, very vulnerable. 

But as I've written before, I think these are good signs. They're signs that I'm listening to that important inner voice that gently, but insistently, says this is what you need. And indeed, this is all I need to say to myself to feel calm descend and the chatter quieten. For vulnerability, I'm coming to realise, is how it feels when my soul is in charge. There's no certainty, or set schedule, there's no evidence or overt logic - that's where my ego excels. No, a soul-led life feels softer, more rounded and, yes, more open and vulnerable. 

This is where I go now - I listen rather than plan. I ask for guidance rather than analyse. I love rather than just live.

And I'm happy.

Wishing you all vulnerable, soul-led days,

Carolyn x x